I met the friendliest cop last night
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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