you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize