I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize