Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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