So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
