He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
