I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
