Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
