YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
