i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
My vagina is very pro this idea
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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