So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Someone shattered a urinal.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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