So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
