so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
