when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
