When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize