I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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