did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
