Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Sober January is a disaster.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Randomize
