She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
