Will you blow on my dice?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
