I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
