mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I licked your asshole in confidence.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
