Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
