I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
