dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
