I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
