good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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