I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
