I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
