I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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