Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
