if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
His nipple licking is glorious
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