Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
