someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
