sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
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