clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
