Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
You're like the curious george of whores
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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