Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
i drank out of a bidet.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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