he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize