forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
