fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize