Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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