every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
