I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
