dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
