I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
