I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Randomize
