so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
