I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
