My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
