I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
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