i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
