My nipple is on Facebook.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
