god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
