i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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