I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
