i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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