He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
