Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
