Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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