My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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